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Friday, February 7, 2014

How To: Drive in the Snow Like a BOSS!


I realize that some people may not relate to this post because there's zero chance of them ever getting snow in their neck of the woods. To those people, I say: fuck off. Seriously. Just take your sunshine and your year-round booty short weather and fuck off. We can be friends again when spring comes... if it ever does.
 
For the rest of you, I present:
 

First of all, I'm not Dale Earnhardt Jr. In the interest of full disclosure, I didn't even pass my driving test the first time I took it. If you read all of these tips and still can't drive well in the winter, well, don't come crying to me or trying to sue me (I'm a broke ass bitch and the most you'll get from me is a Hefty bag full of empty pop cans).
 
I have a lot of friends in blogland that have been having a horrible time driving in the winter weather because the area they live in isn't prepared or equipped for it. As someone who's used to it (Michigan born and bred), I can tell you that it's always going to suck no matter what BUT there are some things you can do to make it at least a little easier on yourself. Obviously, if it's bad out you should stay off the roads whenever possible. But, what do you do when you have to get out there for some reason?
 
Quills out.
  1. Before you even get in your vehicle, grab the scraper (if you don't own a scraper, get one... they're like $5... and I know you bitches love Starbucks and spend more than that during a single visit) and clean it off. Not just your windshield. Not just your windshield and windows. Errythang. Even the top... because if a big chunk slides down onto your windshield while you're commuting, you're screwed.
  2. Clean your rear lights and headlights off, too. You want people to be able to see you, right?
  3. Give yourself extra time. Maybe you'll over-estimate and have time to kill once you reach your destination. So what?
  4. Don't drive like an asshat. Even if you have 4-wheel-drive. Those speed limit signs that are posted? Those apply to EVERYONE in OPTIMAL driving conditions. (Side note: if you pass me like a bat out of hell and I see you in a ditch a few miles later, I'm going to laugh and laugh and laugh. #sorrynotsorry #hahayouredumb)
  5. Allow extra time/space to brake and accelerate. Even if you're going slow, you can still slide. And even if you'd normally pull out (haha... "pull out") into traffic with way less space between yourself and oncoming traffic, give yourself at least double the usual time... because these aren't the usual conditions you're dealing with. You may have to wait longer, but you left early and gave yourself some extra time, remember?
  6. If your area isn't normally equipped for winter weather, buy a bag of sand/salt/kitty litter to keep in your vehicle. Obviously you can't prep all of the roads on your route, but, if you do happen to get stuck you can use it on the ground for added traction. (Also, if you have rear-wheel-drive, a couple of bags in the trunk will help to balance the weight of the vehicle which aids in traction as well.)
  7. Give yourself at least a car length between you and the vehicle in front of you when you stop... just in case the person behind you can't stop in time. This is always a good idea, but, especially when it's slippery out. Sandwiches are good, but, not when you're the filling and the bread is actually metal.
  8. I personally like to drive in the outside lanes whenever possible. The shoulder gives you more driving room. If you have to pull over for whatever reason, you won't need to worry about cutting through traffic. Plus, if you start sliding, I'm assuming you'd rather have an empty area to slide into rather than sliding into cars on either side of you.
  9. Pay attention. This is not the time to do your mascara in the visor mirror.
  10. Keep emergency supplies in your car just in case you get stranded. Blankets, some kind of snack, a flashlight, etc. It's always better to be safe than sorry.
There you have it, friends... MeeMee's tips for driving in the snow like a boss. I want you all safe and sound, so, I hope that there was something in here that you could take away and apply to yourselvfes for a smoother and safer winter driving experience.
 
(Source)
 
This concludes today's public service announcement. On Monday, we will return to your regularly scheduled shenanigans.
 
*insert white noise and multi-colored vertical bars HERE* 
 

56 comments:

  1. Um, I have some major fucking off to do, what with all my sunshine and booty shorts over here. Sorry!!! Come visit! If I was stuck in a snowstorm, this post would be titled "How to hire a town car like a boss" :)

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  2. We've only gotten one small snowstorm here this year. And that's not normal for us. But I hear ya on all this! It's not difficult people!

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  3. All of this just freaked me out. I am such an L.A. girl that if it is raining, I look for ways to get out of driving. Driving in the rain is scary!!! If I lived where there is snow, I doubt I'd get behind the wheel until Spring.

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  4. Seriously no one knows how to drive where I am from. We had snow back at home yesterday and there was so may wrecks! When will they learn if there is snow on the ground you can drive around like a car racer!

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  5. i literally had never driven in snow until last week. and i'm 37! so i could've used this tips last week! ;) but seriously, good tips. i don't own a scraper, and didn't think to scrape my lights. i just did a few windows. mistake!

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  6. i laugh so hard at those morons who only clean their windshield where they look out. FUCKFACE, YOU NEED 360 VISION when driving in the snow. they they freak out on the road because they can't see shit and drive like an asshole causing traffic jams or worse, an accident.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  7. You can't completely hate me for living in Florida I lived in Boston half my life and then Philly so I do know about driving in the snow as well....when I moved Philly from FL and that first snow storm hit I was like "where the F is my scraper" that is such an essential part of snow prep! I keep a blanket, flashlight and snack in my trunk know like you know just in case I"m abducted in thrown in the trunk or whatever horrific life situations could happen to me. The entire time I'm reading this post I'm thinking of that movie Just Friends. Have you seen it? He rents the Porsche in the snow and has to put the chains on the tires....I just like him in his cheerleading outfit from HS. Oh boy that was long! Have a good weekend!

    Meet @ the Barre

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  8. Ya I'm just gonna not drive in the snow. Hopefully I never live somewhere where it snows full time. I would need a chauffeur. You could be my driver, it could be like Driving Miss Daisy!

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  9. This should be distributed to all drivers in Atlanta.

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  10. Hahaha "quills out!" Love it.This is something I will likely never deal with. Don't hate me. But do get ready for my post on how to survive when it feels like 110, coming to you in July or August...

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  11. i friggen loath the way most people drive in the snow!!! It is not that hard folks!

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  12. People annoy me when they speed in the snow. I always keep myself a few feet away and break early.

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  13. I literally cheated the system into getting my license so I can't even drive in the summer...I'll hire you to drive me though.

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  14. Confession: I don't drive. I'm a city girl that takes transit everywhere. If need be, Andrew drives me. Seriously, this summer I'm getting a license!

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  15. The other day I did a complete 360 in the road (fright of my life) and it wasn't because I was doing my mascara. Maybe doing my lipgloss. Just kidding!!! :)

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  16. #8 in the south, drive in the center lanes because there is no shoulder in most places so the center lanes will have the least snow/ice.

    Everyone who comes down here from Michigan to visit always comment on how narrow the roads are, it just looks that way because we don't have huge shoulders like Michigan does. :)

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  17. All very true! I've only slid once here in Chicago. But it was down a side street and I stopped before hitting traffic, no biggie!

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  18. I'm seriously jealous . I have no snow , no driving skill and NOTHING!

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  19. It's funny how people don't think about scraping off the lights and wiping all the snow off the top of the car. Great tip because you really don't know that until you make that mistake. #Guilty

    4 years living in the snowy mountains taught me how to drive in the snow (uphill....both ways...haha)

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  20. I hope I never have to drive in it, ever. Although mother nature is confused and it snowed in north FL a little while ago. If that shit makes it to south FL I'm leaving the state.

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  21. I never realized how bad people are at driving in the snow until I moved to Kentucky! This place shuts the hell down if they get a snow flake. Living in Pennsylvania then Michigan I don't think twice about going out in the snow...this tips are perfect. I might print this out and give it to all my coworkers!

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  22. I failed my first driving test too. Oops. Thankfully, I wont be driving anywhere since I'm in the city. I also wont be walking anywhere either because it's FREEZING outside. I've only been back in the snow for a few days and I've had enough. Great tips! Have an awesome weekend!

    Ashley, Married to the Game

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  23. The sad thing is that while most of your tips should fall into the realm of common sense...they don't. I can't tell you how many huge ass pieces of ice and snow I had to dodge on the freeway from people who didn't clean off their whole car. Or the guy with a 3x5 whole scraped into his windshield. Like homie I know you can't see me. Also everyone doing 50 on icy roads. WHY?!?!?!

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  24. Omg this is cracking me up! Seriously nice weathered peeps can fuck off... I do pretty good in the snow, it's the asshats you have to watch out for!

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  25. Girl, Im a Buffalo NY girl that's now in Atlanta, GA. First off the people here are slow as fuck already, since they get distracted so quickly. But I know how to drive in some snow to say the least. Thanks for the laughs! After being stuck in my car for 7 hours to go 5 miles last week when this town shut down, this post made me smile!

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  26. Hahahaha we got like a tiny bit of flurries yesterday and I was so excited! I am one of the bitches you can't be friends with until spring. I am dying and it's only in the 20s and 30s. I live in Texas for a reason! This winter needs to GTFO.

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  27. I am thankful I no longer have an hour commute to work. People frustrated the heck out of me driving in the snow. Even though we get a ton of snow every year, for some reason everyone forgets how to drive when the snow's back in town!
    Eva Marie

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  28. I failed my first driving test too (OK, first two times)! Haha, pull out. I've seen some terrible accidents and slideoffs here pretty much every single day on the way to work. This shit's terrifying, and no one seems to understand how to drive in it despite the fact that we have it every single year. Sigh.

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  29. Being from the mitten automatically makes me a boss. And by the by I am going to buy some sand and kitty litter to keep in the back of my ginormo SUV so the next time it snows in Atlanta I can sell it to the fools in front of me who get stuck. And have a nice little all cash snowpocalypse bidness.

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  30. Driving in this ridiculous winter weather should be considered an Olympic sport. Black ice AND endless amounts of snow? Yeah fuck off sunny places everywhere *pout.

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  31. I love this and yet so many people can't seem to follow these VERY SIMPLE RULES. Michigan has been shitting on us for weeks and weeks and I'm still seeing people slide off in an inch of snow. Be serious.

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  32. I grew up in Michigan so you think I'd be a pro at driving in the snow, but I can't handle it! It's theeee worst when you're driving along and snow/ice is flying off of someone's car in front of you!

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  33. I need to move where you are at & hang around you at all time... you make me laugh so hard.

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  34. My 4x4 and I are best friends. I have become so accustomed that if I was forced to drive a rear wheel drive vehicle ever again I may just drive into the ditch on purpose to prove a point. #NeverGonnaHappen Seriously though people, SCRAPE YOUR ROOFS. It's like a winter jungle out there when ice caps are free falling on your commute. Over all though, GREAT post and I seriously LOVE driving in the snow, fresh loads of snow. It's so peaceful! <3

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  35. I am one of those people you don't want to speak to for another 6 weeks (according to the groundhog). So I will not gloat, instead I will point out which line literally made me snort as I laughed out loud at my desk: "the most you'll get from me is a Hefty bag full of empty pop cans". And for that, I thank you.

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  36. Where in the HELL was this post last fucking week when Pensacola, FL got snow?? Huh? Huh? PS- we had ice on the roads today.

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  37. Yes, I feel like I need to print this out and give it to some people. Not many people know how to drive in the snow in Oklahoma. I was once honked at for going slow while driving in the snow. Whatever, dude. I might have given him the finger.

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  38. Quills Out is the one term that just made my entire fricken friday!

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  39. All of these are great tips! You know when they don't help? When you have an entire city of idiots around you freaking out and wrecking their vehicles into everything and just leaving them sit in the middle of the streets. Then you see this yankee cussing and pointing fingers the whole way home!

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  40. Ugh people who tailgate you in the snow are the WORST. Like, not everybody has a huge monster truck buddy

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  41. Haha..Great tips! I usually follow all those tips but the problem is the other asshats (love that term) who don't. Ugh! That's why I'm glad I work from home.. :)

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  42. On Wednesday I saw a guy who only scraped like 1/3 of his windshield and he was in the middle of the road, because the asshat couldn't see the sidewalk!!! Scrape the whole car!!! Also lightly pump the brakes don't stomp on the brakes, you are more likely to slide if you do. :)

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  43. Ugh I grew up with snow every winter so I know how to drive, but the past two days people in portland have lost their shit with the snow !!!

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  44. Driving in the snow is always rough :)

    AJ | www.TheAJMinute.com

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  45. I'm all about the four wheel drive. I get nervous in snow but I drive it all the time thanks to that feature!

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  46. I am one of those people that come from one of those places where NOBODY CAN HANDLE THE FREAKING SNOW! Seriously....we got 4 inches last night and it took a friend 8 hours to drive a 2 hour drive because there were wrecks everywhere and roads shut down and people abandoning their cars...GAH!

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  47. I hate all the snow. Actually, I love snow, but I really dislike driving in it!!!

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  48. "Don't Drive Like An Asshat" haha I love that one and also laugh at people who go in the ditch after they fly past me #dumbass No matter how many winters I have drove in, though, I HATE winter driving and avoid it as much as possible!!

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  49. thanks for the advice. I'm going to have to relearn to drive in snow!! I really hate driving in general though..

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  50. I feel like I am a pro at driving in the snow, and I don't get how people who have done it all their lives are SO BAD at it. Good god. Also, the people with all wheel drive who think that it helps them stop quicker? Um no. You might be able to blow past me in the snow, but your brakes work the same as mine jackass.

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  51. We had a couple hour drive home today after visiting my grandparents and oh man, so many people don't know how to drive. It snowed today, the roads weren't great, we have a very small and light car, not the best for snow covered icy roads, and yet there are people passing us on the highway who are most likely going more than 70!! And yes, we did get passed by a minivan and saw the same van slid off into the median later on. That is so sad. I hate driving in snow--but it's much scarier when other people aren't doing what they should. And what about headlights ON when it's snowing in the daytime? Sure, it's not night but visibility is awful and you want to be seen!! Plus so many people are lazy about brushing off their entire car and their lights and license plates are still covered....

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  52. I just want to say this - your post is EXACTLY the reason I moved to a place with booty short weather and sunshine year round. Driving in the snow if F*cking terrifying! And I seriously blame it for most of my anxiety issues now - PTSD.
    I can't even tell you how many ditches I got stuck in, leaving school early because of the weather and a gnarly case of strep throat - BAM stuck in a ditch for hours wanting to die. Leaving work after an all day snow, by myself driving through the hood - BAM stuck in a ditch BEFORE everyone had cell phones. Stealing my mom's car early one morning before school to drive around and smoke cigarettes - BAM stuck in a ditch! (Ok, that happened to my best friend not me but still.)

    I feel for you sister but the solution is simple - come to ARIZONA! Lane of perpetual sunshine!!! I went hiking Saturday, in a t-shirt, and I'm pretty sure I got a lil sun on my face ;)

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  53. OMG I LOVE this post!! I actually just shared it on my personal Facebook page because we've had snow here since Thursday night and about 75% of the people around here don't know how to drive in it which means they drive around town like a jackdick and make it unsafe for the rest of us :-)

    P.S. I laughed at "pull out" before I even read your laughing at it. We are so meant to be best friends.

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  54. So our entire region basically got dumped with snow last weekend EXCEPT for where I live, which is near the mountains... wtf?! I was so mad because I really wanted to try out my new four wheel drive in the snow. Anyway at least now I'm ready and equipped with your tips for when it finally does snow... :-)

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  55. Great tips!! Us Texans have no idea what to do with all this white stuff we have been getting!

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