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Monday, February 10, 2014

Wanted: Personal Assistant

Welcome back to the real internet world, friends! I hope you all had a lovely weekend. Mine was spent working, so, I won't bore you with a re-cap.
 
I could've gotten a lot more accomplished if there were more hours in a day, or if I had a personal assistant. Let's go with the personal assistant thing. Y'know... because I'm lazy and even if there were extra hours in a day I'd most likely spend them napping anyway.
 
So, I've decided to place an ad for one, right here on my blog.
 
 
Personal Assistant Position Overview
 
Day-to-Day Responsibilities
  • Normal household chores, including but not limited to: laundry, cleaning, following Pete around and picking up after him, etc.
  • Typing out my blog posts, comments and follow-up e-mails as I dictate them to you.
  • Being my seat warmer (I don't have a fancy late model whip so your ass will literally warm the seat up for me).
  • Prepare all of my meals.
  • Open my pop cans, wipe my butt, etc. after I've painted my nails (while we're on the subject of nails, you will also blow them dry).
  • Rave about how gorgeous I look every day, even when I clearly look like shit.
  • Screen my mail so that the Victoria's Secret catalog never crosses my path.
  • Whatever the hell else I make up along the way.
(Source)
 
Requirements
  • Must possess common sense.
  • Must only speak when spoken to.
  • Must NEVER question my authority.
Hours
  • You will be at my beck and call all day, erryday.
(Source)
 
Pay/Benefits
  • None.
If you're interested in becoming my personal assistant, please forward your resume and cover letter to my attention at: voyageofthemeemee@gmail.com.
 
What would you have your personal assistant do?
 
Don't forget: tomorrow is round 2 of the Shit Men Say link-up with Danae and I! Grab the button and get your posts ready! All the cool kids are doing it!

Voyage of the Mee Mee

 
 

61 comments:

  1. Lol at your memes. My favorite Miranda Priestly quote ever.

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  2. Girl, you don't even know... I'd be theeee best personal assistant. I just know it.

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  3. pretty much all of the above. i'd also add: sit by my side so that when i remember i've forgotten XYZ up/downstairs (which i always do), they'll cheerily go and get it with out giving me lip service. i tried this with my husband and he's a terrible personal assistant. in fact, i think i'm going to fire him.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  4. bahaha I love that you said "none" for pay and benefits!

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  5. HA HA HA HA!! Can I borrow this ad for myself! Sounds perfect! ;)-Ashley

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  6. Haha I would have to add personal shopper to my list since I hate that so much. They would have to be willing to bring everything home for me to try on and then ready to return 95% of it. That would be fantastic...

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  7. Haha! I think I need one too if only just to fetch things! Oh, and the cleaning thing because that is no fun.

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  8. I would have my personal assistant blow dry my hair every day! And all of those things you mentioned!

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  9. If there is anus dragging.. your personal asst must also be able to express your anal glands.

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  10. Don't we all need this :)

    agirlandhersparkles.blogspot.com

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  11. Oh goodness, can I please have this. And a live in nanny that accepts food as payment?

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  12. I think you're pretty awesome but I'm going to have to pass on this ad. I don't have kids yet because I'm not ready to wipe their butts, let alone yours. The Devil Wears Prada reference was great though!

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  13. I would have my assistant wash the dishes and make my pizza bites! Oh yes and wipe Little K's ass after she takes a dump because I'm way over that part of mommyhood.

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  14. I have authority issues so this may not work....

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  15. I think you have covered it all in your duties and requirements....yup! Also, that dog meme is funny as shit and I literally almost spit my water out when I was reading it!!!! Now where do we find people to apply for such a position?!

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  16. Haha! I do the 2nd one for people... but I charge $8 an hour. Sorry! I gots my own personal assistant to turn around and pay, one who vacuums because vacuuming is the devil and I can't stand to do it even one more time.

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  17. MWF in search of someone to:
    1. Impersonate me at work
    2. Deal with changing the duvet
    3. Clean the baseboards, windows, and window treatments
    4. Fold & put away laundry
    5. Blow dry my hair
    6. Pick up dog poop

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  18. Hahahahaha. If my personal assistant could clean my house for me, that would be FANTASTIC. You win at life.

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  19. Where do I apply? ... oh never mind... I'd talk to you. Its the only reason I want to do it :)
    I would rather have a maid then a personal assistant. I can't keep my house clean for the life of me.

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  20. bahahaha. If you find someone to do all that, find me one too bc you clearly have superpowers.

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  21. I honestly need a full time assistant to pick up after Mark....what is it with men that they just drop sh*t everywhere....like come home empty my pockets on the table...hang my shirt on a chair and take my shoes off and leave them in the middle of the kitchen floor....I swear my entire night is spent putting it away.... I died.....literally be my sweat warmer...my sister has a heated steering wheel...get out of here. This post is freaking hilarious!

    ~Amanda
    Meet @ the Barre

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  22. I would love for them to just clean my house and answer/screen emails and just blog for me. Life would just be so much more easier :).

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  23. Your ad is PERF! The only thing I'd add is -Must be a fit, twenty something, Ryan Gosling look alike, comfortable being shirtless and never making eye contact. (Eyes on the floor!) :D

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  24. When I was looking for administrative jobs on Craigslist, I would see legitimate posts like this. Wha? The best though was a man seeking an attractive woman to clean his office in lingerie. The pay was pretty good...

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  25. haha can we all get one of these. seat warmer is my favorite.

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  26. oh man I could use a personal assistant too! having to do anything within the 2 hours after I paint my nails is the worst!
    -- jackie - jade and oak

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  27. I need one of these. Mainly I just want a personal chef I think.

    I would pay my assistant on unicorn poop cookies.

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  28. I would 100% want a personal assistant to help me after I do my nails AND do my nails for me. I mean really, takes too much time with all that nonsense.

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  29. Hehe, I want one of those. Or if I can't have that, I want to be like Kathy Griffin and have a team of gay men always following me around telling me how fabulous I am and sprinkling my day with sassy commentary.
    - Rachel @ With Love, Rachel

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  30. My assistant would also need to have hair and make up skills since they'd be doing my hair and make up.. oh, and dressing me everyday.

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  31. I am waiting for my assistant to arrive, must be stuck in the darn customs!

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  32. We should start a post collegiate sorority so we have an excuse to haze the shit out of new people and not pay for slave labor. You're onto something golden here, MeeMee.

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  33. send the reject applicants to me, i need one too and im not picky!

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  34. I work in HR and I just love to read the resumes...oh how I love that part. Its shocking what people put on them these days. Pictures and all nowadays....HILARIOUS!!

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  35. i draw the line at wiping your ass. you can wipe your own ass. also i would talk even when not spoken to. sorry, not sorry

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  36. I would love an assistant. She could do the laundry and dishes and the catbox and play Barbies with my kid when I've had enough.

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  37. I'd settle for a normal housekeeper because I am a failure when it comes to household chores.

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  38. I just went scrolling through all the blogs I follow to find your post! You seriously have the best/most entertaining posts ever. LOL at the nail polish one!

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  39. Between my job, freelance work and planning wedding...I NEED a personal assistant. Especially one that will control my urge to go therapy shopping since this wedding is sucking me dry...OH and they must be willing to work for free and pick up my daily Starbucks every morning before I'm awake enough to realize that I'm Starbucks-less....if you know anyone let me know. :)

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  40. hahah this is so spot on... so so so spot on.

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  41. Hmm, I think I just need someone to clean my tub because it's the one part of the house I hate cleaning, cook my meals so I'm never tempted to eat out and organize me. My life, closets, house...all of that could use a professionals touch.

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  42. Hahaha! This is frigging hilarious. I'd like my intern to cook for me, fend off PRs who want me to feature them for free (especially when their products have sweet fuck all to do with my blog), tweet/Tumblr/Facebook/Instagram all my posts because I'm working my fingers to the bone (boo hoo!) and also kidnap Jason Momoa for me. Yeah, that'll do it!

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  43. I'm going to need you to add a requirement that they come and do the exact same thing for me. I never feel like doing any of the other stuff after a day at work. Silly life.

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  44. My personal assistant would do all these things and pay ME for the privilege. Taking bids right now! ;)
    Eva Marie

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  45. Haha! Love it! If you find one ask if they have a friend for me!

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  46. I would most definitely make my assistant blow dry my nails lol and make me freshly squeezed orange juice whenever I asked..maybe i just need to hurry up and have kids to do these things lol

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  47. I would love a personal assistant! Gah what a dream!

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  48. Ha ha I love this!! I definitely wouldn't mind a personal assistant :D

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  49. Love it!!! I'd add actually painting my nails. Shit, throw in a full spa. Mani, pedi, facial, massage. Also, 1. Do my hair & makeup, shave my legs for me, make me M&M pancakes every night (yes,I said pancakes at night), hand me Starbucks each morning (that they paid for), and do my grocery shopping.

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  50. Benson! hahaha.
    i'll need one for... laundry. that would be awesome so i wouldn't have to bitch at the boyfriend for always putting off his ONE "chore". clean the bathroom. prepare all my meals and handle my email. and must speak english.

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  51. So, I commented on this post last night from my iPad and the comment isn't showing up (I mentioned it on my recent blog posting http://www.karilife.com/2014/02/dear-blogging-friends-technology-sucks.html). However, I said my personal assistant would need to take and return my phone calls, make Starbucks runs, and do all the things listed on your list as well. lol.

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  52. Oh my gosh, if I could JUST have someone to type out my blog posts, comments and follow-up e-mails as I dictate them that would freaking change my whole life!! I feel like I'm always behind on that stuff!

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  53. Sometimes your Michigan shows..."open my pop cans" hahahhah I miss living there!

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  54. Damn girl, no pay or benefits? You can't rub someone's belly or bake them a cake from box mix? Do something!

    I don't need a personal assistant. I'd just love someone to do chores for me. I get home from work at 1:30 a.m. and the last thing I'm gonna do is dishes.

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  55. CAN I JUST COPY AND PASTE THIS? Not kidding, the list of day to day responsibilities is spot on. Maybe we can just share the assistant? I'm not above that.

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  56. i'll take one of those while you're at it!

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  57. Thanks for your posting how has a confession about blogger website they can understand that info, in your every posting there some interesting info . You have done a great job.
    Personal Assistant

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